


most wildly and terribly roused

by wariangle



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 04:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4249530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wariangle/pseuds/wariangle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first, the ache is almost unbearable. Cosima has always been one to fall fast and hard, head over heels, completely and totally. And she's dying, wasting away at the mercy of her own shoddy, unstable biology. Her heart craves Delphine, her arms someone to hold on to. She tries to work, to decipher the book, the code, her own fate, but the science is so hopelessly tangled up with everything that was her and Delphine that every penciled scribble in that stupid book just hurts.</p><p>She gets through the worst of the pain and hits anger.</p><p>-</p><p>A rewrite of Cophine's season 3 storyline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	most wildly and terribly roused

Her every breath is a struggle, like a razorblade dragging down her throat, and it seems it would be easier to just... cease. To stop breathing and just slip away into the dark, vast nothingness hovering at the corners of her mind, the curling edifices of soothing blackened space languidly reaching out for her, promising to submerge her, take care of her.

And then, there is light, in the darkness. A sensation of touch, a beloved, familiar face leaning over her.

" _Don't be afraid_."

 _I'm not_ , Cosima wants to say, convey. _Just tired. And hurting_. Would it be giving up, to just stop breathing? To get away from the pain, this sensation of slow, agonizing drowning in her own blood?

" _I will never leave you_ ," Delphine says.

 _You already have_ , Cosima tries to say. Delphine begins to grow translucent, seems to fade away. _No_ , she thinks, desperately. _Not again_. She tries to follow, somehow, unable to let Delphine just disappear again. She needs closure, she needs some kind of...

She blinks awake, to the touch of a hand against her cheek and a blurry figure standing in front of her.

"Here, read me a story, Auntie Cosima," Kira says, holding out a book.

  
  


At first, the ache is almost unbearable. Cosima has always been one to fall fast and hard, head over heels, completely and totally. And she's dying, wasting away at the mercy of her own shoddy, unstable biology. Her heart craves Delphine, her arms someone to hold on to. She tries to work, to decipher the book, the code, her own fate, but the science is so hopelessly tangled up with everything that was her and Delphine that every penciled scribble in that stupid book just hurts.

Felix brings her strong tea laced with whiskey and ice cream and sits up with her throughout the nights she can't fall asleep re-watching all the Jurassic Park-movies. On those nights that the fear and the pain of loss do allow her to sleep, he lets her burrow down in his bed and be comforted by the presence of another, living, breathing human being next to her. Whenever he has a date, he goes over to their places and calls Sarah in to stay with her.

The trend passes, and it's suddenly easier to breathe again. She's able to go into work again, which is, in one way, terrible, and in another easier, because Scott's there, distracting her with stupid jokes and board games during their lunch breaks. They have the board set up permanently off on a side table.

She gets through the worst of the pain and hits anger.

Having dying go from the abstract to fearful reality is terrible enough - the thought of facing it alone is worse. With Delphine no longer around to be the support Cosima needs to lean against, it is easier to stop being forgivable. Delphine is gone and Cosima still stands. She's bruised and battered, but she still stands, and is in no need to keep clutching at Delphine even through betrayal and heartbreak. The monitor situation, the blood samples, Kira's stem cells - Delphine did what she thought she had to to keep her alive, but it was still a violation, still painful. Still wrong.

"This is my biology," Cosima told her and Delphine had smiled at her sweetly and agreed, only to secret off a vial to Leekie the very next morning.

Cosima loves and misses Delphine with all of her breaking heart, but at the same time she's so sick of the lies, of constantly second-guessing her, of being burned, again and again, for being so completely, stupidly trusting. She knows that Delphine would fight tooth and nail for her life, but just because it's protection doesn't mean its harmless, doesn't make it okay.

  
  


Delphine returns. The sound of her voice is all Cosima needs to hear before she feels her shattered heart aflutter and a part of her despises herself for it, but she can't help it.

 _Delphine_.

She has imagined this moment a thousand times in her head, in thousand different variations. She has played out every scenario: everything from breaking it off to melting into Delphine's embrace and never letting go - but what she had not expected is _Delphine_ ending it. For her sisters. For her.

It still feels like shit.

Delphine is different, somehow, than she was three weeks ago. There has always been something hard to her, like an edge of sharp, jagged glass, and a will of iron, but it has transformed into granite, into something almost... untouchable. Perhaps it comes with the job. Perhaps it was really always there, and Cosima simply blind to it.

  
  


Sara calls just when Cosima has stopped crying, Kira curled up in her lap doodling on a notepad. Cosima carelessly wipes her nose on her sleeve and reaches for the phone.

She sniffs. "Hello?"

"Hey! It's me. How's Kira?"

"She's fine," Cosima says and Kira looks up. "It's your mom," she tells her.

Awkwardly, Sarah says, "Uh, Delphine needs me here for the rest of the night."

"Yeah," Cosima says. "She, uh, asked for you, so I got that."

"So you talked?"

"Yeah, yeah. We talked. Or, no, we didn't really talk, but it's done and over, so. Like, whatever, right?" She laughs, but it sounds hollow and terrible, almost worse than her racking cough.

"Cos..."

"No," Cosima says, firmly. "It's what it is, I guess."

Sarah sighs. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault," Cosima says. "It's just this _bullshit_ we're all caught up in. And if it wasn't for our shared, fucked-up DNA I wouldn't even have met her in the first place, you know? It just _sucks_."

"To be honest, she's just a stone-cold bitch, Cos. She's slipping a bit too comfortably into Rachel's role, I'd say."

"Whatever," Cosima says and sighs again. "At least now I can, like, get over it. I suppose that's something."

"It is," Sarah says. "Listen, I have to..."

"Yeah, yeah, I understand."

"But take care, Cos, okay?" Sarah says, sounding concerned. Cosima wants to brush it off - Sarah has a lot more important stuff to worry about than her hurt feelings, but all she says it, "You too."

"Yeah, well, whatever they throw at me, I'll survive, you know," Sarah says and Cosima smiles to herself.

"You do," she agrees. "Bye."

"Tell my monkey hi, too. See you!"

"Your mom says hi," Cosima says as she disconnects the call and drops the phone. She ruffles Kira's hair with one hand. "Hey, what do you say about making some science-ice cream?"

  
  


"Cosima, this jumper absolutely reeks of pining," Felix says, plucking at its sleeve in utter disgust.

But Cosima has little interest in acknowledging this little pity-party. "I pine for no woman," she says. "I regret maybe ever having met her, but I'm not pining. I'm anti-pine."

"She is really screwed you over, didn't she," Felix says as she heaves her legs up in his lap.

"Mmhm," Cosima says. "Kind of royally, yeah."

_It's my decision and not yours!_

_There is no decision, Cosima. You have one way moving forward and this is it!_

Felix reaches over, grabs the last Eskimo Pie from the box, starts peeling the wrapping open. "I don't get it," he says. "I mean, my god is she hot and all, but she can't really be that fun in the sack, right? Just total pillow princess."

Cosima shakes her head, smiling despite herself. "Mm, no," she says.

Felix bites off the top of the ice-cream, makes a face. "Wasn't she all prim and proper about it?"

"No," Cosima says again. "If there's one thing Delphine is not, it's prim and proper. She's... dirty and Machiavellian."

Felix frowns. "Somehow I don't think we're talking about sex anymore."

"I thought I went into this with my eyes open, you know," Cosima says bitterly, her anger finally spewing forth. "Like, totally aware, no rose-tinted bullshit at all and so on, but I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. I knew she were my monitor, I knew she disclosed info about Sarah and the rest of us to Leekie and that _she kept on doing it_ and I just... accepted it. I locked her out of the lab and then it took one look at her hot, stupid face and then got baked and professed our undying love!" Cosima thumps back against the couch. "Fuck." She sighs. "You know, Sarah did warn me, but I didn't listen. I'm such an idiot."

"No, pumpkin," Felix says kindly. "You're not an idiot - you're just in love! And you're sick - of course you're going to find comfort in the arms of the first, hot French scientist that comes along."

"I love her," Cosima says weakly, burying her face in Felix chest.

"I know, honey," Felix replies, stroking her hair.

  
  


On her way to the lab, Cosima ducks into the tiny, cozy café that has kind of grown into her regular place and orders her usual of a big cup of green tea. The girl behind the counter smiles at her when returning her change and again when she hands Cosima the take-away mug, which has _Cosima_ followed by a messy heart scrawled on the side. Cosima smiles back.

It puts her in a good mood and she's even humming a bit to herself as she swipes her card and pushes the door to the lab open. She freezes as she catches Delphine sitting by a computer, an array of files spread out next to her, as if no time has passed. As if she didn't steal Cosima's heart and then just left with it still clutched firmly in hand.

Scott hurries over to her, nervously pushing his glasses up on his nose. "I tried to contact you," he hisses.

"Yeah, I lost my charger, sorry," Cosima mumbles dazedly, without looking at him.

She hates it, Delphine just sitting there in their lab - _her_ lab - like nothing's happened, like it's where she belongs. She hates that she can just waltz in here any way she likes - into the lab, into Cosima's life.

"You're back."

"I came as soon as I found out Sarah was missing," Delphine says.

"Five days too late," Cosima says, helpless not to snark. She hates that porcelain slickness of the facade Delphine puts up. She wants to claw at it, crack it open, get beneath it.

Delphine's lips thin. "No thanks to you," she says, and just no. No fricking way. Delphine continues. "Were you planning on telling us?"

"Yeah, that depends," Cosima says, walking forward. "Who's _us_ , Delphine?"

 _I don't owe you shit_ , she thinks - reminds herself, really. _Sneaking around? Who of us is really doing the sneaking around, huh_?

It gets better, and worse, as they get to work. They're a great team, always has been, contrasting and complementing each other and their separate ways of thinking brilliantly, beautifully. It's so easy to just fall into that and not think about anything else, just pretend that this is it: her, Delphine, the science.

And then Delphine has to go and shatter the mirage.

"I miss you," she says, in that particular way of she has of ripping Cosima open.

Cosima doesn't reply, just turns and leaves the room. She marches down the hall, her breathing shallow and followed by the loud echo sent by the clatter of her heels catching against the barren stone walls with every footstep.

  
  


Cosima wakes to a text from Delphine that says, _I need a urine sample_.

"Well, good morning to me," Cosima mutters into her pillow. She swipes Delphine's message away and opens a new one, to Alison. _I need your pee_.

It's not as easy as she would have imagined. In the end, Alison refuses, and instead makes her promise to do everything in her power to make herself better.

Cosima slams down a plastic bag holding a cup of her own pee, labelled 'Cosima' on Delphine's desk after she knows Delphine has gone home for the day.

She looks around the lab, the beautifully, wondrous lab she has paid so dearly for with her life and autonomy and wants to scream. It feels like for every day, another, small part of her personhood is chipped away. All the stuff that make her up is slowly broken down, here in this very place, piece by piece, for anyone to see, read, analyze. To try and fix. Sometimes, she hardly feels human. She's just... data.

She turns off the light and locks the lab behind her.

  
  


"I-I, just can't do this anymore," Cosima says. " _Shit_."

"Okay, Cos, just calm down, all right?"

"No, I can't!" Cosima says, a wave of her hand almost sending the wine bottle Felix uses for a vase crashing to the floor. "I'm doing a shitty job and it feels like I'm letting all of you down."

"Hey, we all get that this situation with Delphine ain't great for you," Sarah says. "No one's blaming you for having a rough patch. But I'm sorry, Cos, you can't skip work or whatever. Not for our sake, but for your own. I won't bloody do this without you, you hear me?"

"It's just, like, completely spiraling, you know?" Cosima says. She leans against the kitchen counter and sighs. "I've started to, like retroactively mistrust every single thing Delphine's ever done, I keep shit from her, she gets pissed off, shit goes sideways and everything gets worse. It needs to seriously stop but I'm just too fucking suspicious to just let it all slide."

"Just sodding _talk_ to her, Cosima!" Sarah says, exasperation all to clear in her voice. "I know it's shit for you, but among all those science creeps in DYAD, she's out safest bet. She does love you, you know."

"I know," Cosima sighs. "I just don't know if it makes it better or worse." She sighs again. "At least, if I keep my cards close to me, I have leverage and I won't be vulnerable, but if I don't share..."

"You won't get better," Sarah fills in. "That's what I said. I know it sucks, but, God, Cosima, we can't lose anyone else."

"Yeah," Cosima says miserably. "Yeah, I know."

  
  


"What book?" Delphine says into the phone, pale-faced with cold fury.

Cosima hears the muted chatter of Scott's fumbling explanation and then Delphine ends the call, slams her phone down on the desk.

"Duncan's code," she says, icily, dangerously. "You had Duncan's code and _you didn't tell me_."

Cosima wrings her hands, the left one still all warm and tingly from Delphine's brief touch. "We, uh..."

"No," Delphine says, holding up a hand. "Don't even bother. Let's just go meet with Scott and try to salvage this mess."

She goes to grab her coat, but Cosima's hand stops her.

"You know," she says, voice trembling with sudden, overwhelming rage, "there was a _reason_ we didn't trust you." Delphine's hand, extended in a reach for her coat falls, and Cosima takes a step back, away from her in an attempt to ground herself, keep hold of her boiling, blazing fury. "You don't get to do this, Delphine! Pretend like me and Scott are the bad guys and that you have never given us any reason to, like, I dunno, slightly wonder about your motives." The emotional upheaval is making her chest feel tight and she coughs roughly, there's no blood on her palm. "You dumped me," she continues, staring straight into Delphine's eyes. "You decided, _unanimously_ , that you in Topside, you as fucking _Rachel_ , was the way to go. And, yeah, I'm sure you're protecting LEDA, but do you know what? When I, and my sisters, want your help, we'll ask for it! You can't decide _for_ us. And I know you..." Her voice breaks and she looks away from Delphine, takes take a deep breath to collect herself, "I know you love me, but don't pretend this is just about me. It's also about you and your career and DYAD, and that's fine, but don't play the fucking martyr with me, Delphine."

She falls silent, breathing heavily through her nose, eyes foggy with tears.

The silence in the room is so thick it seems almost tangible, despite the soft hum of machinery, as a minute, an ocean of time, ticks by.

Then Delphine grabs her coat and heads out of the lab without so much as a backward glance.

  
  


Cosima jumps and almost spills her wine as her phone buzzes from a text.

_Could you come outside?_

She hesitates for a long moment. She looks around the room, at her sisters, at her family, and their loved ones, and feels... hopeful. Despite the sickness that's ravaging her body, she's not alone. She never will be. She never really _can_ be, anymore.

She smiles wryly and uses Felix shoulder to steady herself as she stands up and quietly slips out the door to Bubbles, Delphine waiting right outside, eerily, wondrously beautiful there in the winter night.

"I don't won't to interrupt," Delphine says with a careful smile. "Sarah told me where you were."

"That's fine," Cosima says, wrapping her arms around herself against the chill.

"I'm sorry," Delphine says, growing serious, her eyes fastened on Cosima's. "In my attempts to protect you and LEDA, I was blinded, I'll admit that. I did what I thought was best on my own instead of discussing it with you. And then I proceeded with blaming you for not trusting me." She gives a quick, sharp laugh.

"Yeah," Cosima says, kicking at the ground with one foot. "It was a totally shitty thing to do."

"Yes." Delphine looks away. "I know this won't be solved with just a few words, but I want you to know that, going forward, I will not make any executive decisions regarding LEDA without your direct involvement. I'll make sure..."

"Don't," Cosima interrupts. "Don't talk like this is some kind of contractual agreement, some kinks we need to work out before signing something. We were a _couple_ and you just handed off my blood samples, gave me Kira's stemcells without my consent, dumped me without as much as a conversation, and just left. You were my _girlfriend_ , Delphine and you didn't even respect me enough to treat me like a human being."

Tears glimmer in Delphine's eyes. "I know," she whispers, her breath making a ghostly mark in the dark air.

"If you're not willing to truly be on my side, then let me go," Cosima says quietly. She feels like an asshole, but it needs to be said. Whatever the future may hold, this is a decision Delphine needs to make. The quicker it is, the more merciful it will be for the both of them.

Pulling in a trembling breath, Delphine reaches for Cosima's hand, and Cosima lets her take it.

"I love you," Delphine says. "And I have treated you terribly." A lone tear falls, sliding slowly down her cheek. "I thought I was on your side, I _wanted_ to be on your side. And if you let me, I will be. Truly. Just give me another chance."

A sob leaves Delphine, her free hand going up to wipe the tear away, and Cosima draws closer to her, until they stand twined together beneath the street lamp. She reaches up on her tip-toes and the kiss, the feel of Delphine's lips, the taste of her desperation and want, is a shock of warmth against Cosima's cold lips. Kissing her wildly with her arms wound firmly around her waist, Delphine makes a wounded noise deep in her throat.

Cosima steps back and, for a second, Delphine moves after her before catching herself. She looks guardedly at Cosima, waiting.

Cosima takes her hand again. "Come on," she says, turning towards the door to Bubbles. "There's enough for you too."

Delphine looks a little wary - no doubt at the prospect of facing Cosima's special, very protective family - but she does follow, her holding steadily to Cosima's.

 

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](http://wariangle.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
